How to Handle the Discomfort of Someone Else’s Boundaries
By: MaCae Bairett, MFT Student Intern
Specializing in anxiety, ADHD, and the relational patterns that impact emotional well-being.
We often talk about your boundaries, how you say “no,” protect your space, decide what is okay with your body, your time, your emotions. But just as you set boundaries, other people do too. And sometimes, someone setting or re-setting a boundary with you can feel confusing, uncomfortable, even disorienting. It can be hard to recognize what is happening, to know how to respond, and to live in that new dynamic.
Here is a little story to make the point.
A parenting moment on boundaries with a comedic twist
I have been teaching my 6-year-old about boundaries: that they are a way to keep herself safe, that people need to respect her boundaries, that she gets to decide what happens to her body, that she can protect her choices. All very serious stuff, very age-appropriate, very important. Until the other day when I asked her to clean her room.
Me: “, I need you to come clean your room.”
Her: “I don’t want to, it is boring!”
Me: “We need to clean your room. I will help you, and you can pick the songs we listen to.”
Her: “Mom! Listen to my boundaries!! I said I don’t want to clean my room!!”
Cue me blinking in surprise. Here she is, applying the boundary lesson back at me. I had to re-explain: “Sweetie, yes, you get to set boundaries, but sometimes we have rules and times when certain things need to happen, even if they are boring. A boundary does not mean we never do unpleasant things or things we do not feel like doing.” After a few more explanations, she was able to understand a bit better, and we worked together to clean her room.
What it feels like when someone else sets a boundary with you
So what might it look like, when others are beginning to set boundaries in their relationship with you? How might it feel, and how might you recognize what is going on?
Here are signs and experiences.
1.Sudden “no,” retreat, or delay
Someone who used to always say “yes” to you might start saying “no,” putting off your requests, or needing more time. They might decline things they used to do, or begin to avoid certain topics or interactions.
2.Clearer communication
You might hear them saying things like, “I am not comfortable with that,” “I cannot do that right now,” “I need space,” “I need to decide,” or “I want us to do things differently.” Sometimes they might use “I” statements such as “I need,” or express their discomfort.
3.Physical or emotional distance
Less frequent interactions, less openness, maybe less physical closeness. Someone may pull back conversations, avoid certain situations with you that used to be normal. Sometimes even body language shifts: less eye contact, more closed posture, less availability.
4.Consistency or testing
Initially, the boundary might seem inconsistent. On some days they let things slide, on other days they enforce more strictly. People often test what is possible. Over time, though, consistent behavior will emerge if the boundary is firm.
5.Resistance or pushback on your side or theirs
When someone begins to set a boundary, you might feel surprised, hurt, confused, maybe even angry. The other person may feel guilt, shame, fear of disappointing you, or worry about how you will react. Sometimes they will give excuses, backtrack, or try to negotiate or minimize.
6.Uncomfortable new dynamics
The relationship starts to shift. You might need to renegotiate roles, such as “you used to always do this for me, but now you do not,” or feel uncertainty: What does our friendship, family, or partner relationship look like now? You might feel insecure or rejected, or wonder what boundaries are not being communicated.
Why people set boundaries, sometimes quietly
It helps to keep in mind that others are often setting boundaries for reasons you do not know, and you do not need to know all their reasons to respect their boundaries. Some common motivations include:
- To protect themselves emotionally, physically, or mentally
- To enforce their values or standards, such as what behavior they will accept
- To reduce overwhelm when there are too many obligations or demands
- To heal from past hurt, since past boundary violations often make someone more cautious
- Because life changes, like new responsibilities, stress, or health issues
Even if you have unintentionally done something that led them to set that boundary, or the boundary is a response to something you said or did, that does not make it invalid. The boundary is theirs to hold.
What research and expert writing tells us
According to HelpGuide, healthy boundaries help relationships become more balanced, protect individual identity, reduce codependence, and clarify expectations.
UC Davis Health emphasizes that boundaries are limits we identify for ourselves and apply through communication and action. They allow us to feel secure and healthy in relationships at home and work.
As one counseling blog notes, when someone sets a boundary, reactions from the other side may include defensiveness, ignoring, testing limits, or confusion. Recognizing these reactions can help you respond in more grounded ways.
In scholarly work around professional and clinical settings, boundary crossings and violations are distinguished. Some deviations are harmless or supportive, others harmful. While that research is in a specialized context such as therapist and patient, the notion that boundaries define expected psychological and social distances is useful in everyday relationships too.
What you might feel, and what to do
Because boundaries change relationship dynamics, you might feel:
- Confused: “Wait, why is this different now?”
- Hurt: maybe feeling rejected or shut out
- Defensive: wanting to push back or challenge
- Unsettled: because what used to “just be” is now being negotiated
- Guilty: wondering if you did something wrong
Here are some suggestions for how to respond well when someone sets a boundary with you:
- Pause and reflect. Before reacting, check in with yourself: what am I feeling? What assumptions am I making?
- Respect the boundary. You might ask clarifying questions, but do not pressure or push.
- Communicate your feelings. It is okay to say something like, “I notice you seem to need more space lately. I respect that. I am wondering how this is working for you and how I can support you.”
- Adjust expectations. Something might be different now, maybe less contact, different kinds of help, different pace. Adapt with flexibility.
- Mind your own boundaries. Seeing someone else enforce theirs can be an opportunity to revisit your own: how do you treat others, how do you respond when someone says "no"?
Why it is hard, the confusion, the resistance, the ambiguity
- Habits and patterns. Maybe you are used to always having certain roles such as caretaker, helper, or listener. When someone moves away from that, it is disorienting.
- Expectations. Many relationships have unspoken assumptions such as “you will always drop everything to help me,” or “we always do this together.” When boundaries shift, those assumptions are disrupted.
- Emotional investment. It is hard to feel like you might lose closeness or connection.
- Uncertainty. You might not know why the boundary is being set, or what exactly is off limits, which leads to guesswork or anxiety.
- Power dynamics. Especially if there is an imbalance such as parent and child, boss and employee, or caretaker and friend, it can feel volatile when boundaries shift.
Why therapy and counseling can help
Therapy is not just for helping you set boundaries, though that is often a major part of it. Therapy can also help in these situations:
- To process feelings you might have, such as confusion, hurt, guilt, or fear. A therapist can help you hold those feelings without letting them overwhelm your reaction.
- To increase awareness of what boundary was set, what need is under it, and what values are involved.
- To learn skills for responding well, such as active listening, asking clarifying questions, practicing respectful communication, and tolerating discomfort.
- To adapt to new dynamics. Relationships can shift meaningfully when boundaries change. Therapy can help you navigate that change, maintain connection where possible, and decide what is healthy for you.
- To heal past boundary violations. Sometimes someone’s boundary now is protective of wounds from the past. Therapy can help both with your own past and with honoring someone else’s.
Closing thoughts
When someone else holds a boundary with you, sets a limit, asks for a change, or insists on something different, it may feel like a little or big surprise. But it is not a threat. It is a sign of growth, self-respect, and an invitation to new authenticity in your relationships. Boundaries are not about walls, they are about clarity, safety, and mutual respect.
You deserve respect for your boundaries, and you can also offer respect for theirs. It might feel awkward for a while. But honoring others’ boundaries, especially when they are new and maybe still fragile, builds trust, safety, and love in the long run.
If you ever feel stuck, upset, unsure of what someone’s boundary means or how to respond, or find yourself reacting more than you want to, therapy could be a powerful place to untangle all that. Because relationships are messy, feelings are messy, and that is okay. We do not have to get it perfect. We just have to try to stay respectful and honest.
By: MaCae Bairett, MFT Studetn Intern
Specializing in anxiety, ADHD, and the relational patterns that impact emotional well-being.
At Therapy for Families, with offices in League City, The Woodlands, and Midland, Texas, we understand that setting and respecting boundaries is an important part of healthy relationships and personal growth. Our team goes beyond traditional marriage counseling by offering a wide range of mental health services that support the whole person. Whether you are navigating anxiety, adjusting to life transitions, or working through family conflict, our counselors can help. We offer specialized care in areas such as couples counseling, teen counseling, play therapy, insomnia treatment, ADHD support, and trauma recovery. We also work with concerns like stress management, self-esteem, peer relationships, grief, divorce support, parenting challenges, behavioral issues, and social-emotional development. At the Therapy for Families & ADHD & Neurofeedback Clinic, we are here to help you not only build healthier boundaries but also find balance, healing, and connection in every area of life.