Helping Children, Teens, Adults, Couples, and Families reach their full potential through healing and hope in League City, The Woodlands & Midland Texas
Understanding Emotional Bonds: A Guide to the RAM Model
Hi! I’m MaCae Bairett, a Marriage and Family Therapy student intern—and I’m passionate about relationships. I’ve seen relationships flourish that you’d expect to fall apart, and others crumble that seemed rock-solid. That curiosity—what makes relationships thrive or struggle—is a big part of what led me into therapy. I love digging into the patterns, the stories, and the deeper work of human connection.
During a college course on dating and marriage, I was introduced to the Relationship Attachment Model (RAM) by Dr. John Van Epp—and I was instantly hooked. RAM made something as complex as relationships feel clear and practical. It gave me a visual way to break down emotional connection and to understand how couples grow closer—or drift apart. The more I studied the model, the more I realized just how helpful it could be—not just in my own life, but in helping others build stronger, healthier relationships.
Whether you’re dating, engaged, married, or in a long-term partnership, the RAM offers a simple, powerful framework for creating emotional closeness and lasting connection.
What Is the Relationship Attachment Model?
The Relationship Attachment Model (RAM) illustrates five key bonds that form the foundation of every romantic relationship:
Know • Trust • Rely • Commit • Touch
You can imagine each of these as sliders on a soundboard—each one representing the level or strength of that bond in your relationship. In dating, the healthiest progression is for each slider to stay lower than the one to its left (for example, don’t trust someone more than you know them). In marriage or committed partnerships, these levels shift and balance differently—but the principle of intentional connection still applies.
Let’s walk through each bond and what it looks like in both premarital and long-term contexts.
1. Know
Definition: Knowing is about truly understanding your partner’s inner world—values, beliefs, emotional patterns, family background, and personality. Feeling known is just as important as knowing.
Premarital: Take your time. Getting to know someone deeply means paying attention to who they are in different contexts—not just who they are when they’re with you.
Married/Committed: People evolve over time. Keep asking questions, stay curious, and continue learning about your partner. Emotional intimacy grows through shared discovery.
2. Trust
Definition: Trust is the confidence you have in your perception of the other person—your mental picture of them. Trust increases when your expectations match reality.
Example: You bake a chocolate cake for your partner’s birthday because you think it’s their favorite—only to find out they actually love raspberry. That moment shows a gap between what you thought you knew and what’s true—which affects trust.
Premarital: Trust is built through time and consistency. How do they handle conflict? Stress? Do their actions match their words?
Married/Committed: Trust deepens through honesty, repair after hurt, and reliability—especially when life gets hard.
3. Rely
Definition: Relying means depending on each other to meet needs—emotionally, practically, and relationally. It flows from trust and is strengthened by mutual support.
Premarital: Be careful of relying too much too soon. Healthy reliance means observing how dependable they are, while still maintaining your independence.
Married/Committed: In long-term relationships, mutual reliance is part of intimacy. It's not about being perfect—it’s about being present and responsive.
4. Commit
Definition: Commitment is the degree of dedication to the relationship and the sense that you belong to one another. Healthy commitment includes mutual respect and doesn’t erase personal identity.
Premarital: Commitment should follow knowing, trusting, and relying—not come before them. Rushing commitment can blind you to incompatibilities or red flags.
Married/Committed: Real commitment means choosing each other even when it’s hard. It involves sacrifice, loyalty, and the willingness to grow together.
5. Touch
Definition: Physical connection—ranging from casual affection to sexual intimacy. Touch is powerful because it releases bonding chemicals in the brain that can create feelings of closeness—sometimes faster than the relationship is actually ready for.
Premarital: Let physical intimacy align with emotional intimacy. If it moves ahead of the other bonds, it can cloud decision-making and create premature attachment.
Married/Committed: Touch remains a vital part of connection. It should be grounded in mutual consent, safety, and communication. In long-term relationships, this slider doesn’t have to be the lowest—but it should reflect a shared, intentional bond.
Why Sequence and Balance Matter
The RAM helps us recognize when relationships are out of sync—like when physical intimacy is high, but trust is low, or when someone feels deeply committed but doesn’t truly know their partner. These imbalances often lead to confusion, frustration, or emotional instability.
For couples preparing for marriage, RAM encourages building a foundation that’s rooted in more than just chemistry. For married or long-term couples, it offers a way to assess what’s working and where growth is needed.
How I Use RAM in Counseling and Workshops
I use the RAM in both individual and couples sessions, as well as in workshops, because it gives people language and direction. Whether you’re deciding if someone is right for you or looking to reconnect after years together, the RAM offers clarity.
Premarital Counseling: RAM helps slow the pace, uncover blind spots, and build a thoughtful connection before big commitments. If your relationship didn’t start out following the model—don’t stress. RAM isn’t about rules—it’s about reflection and progress.
Marriage Enrichment: RAM acts like a check-in. Which areas are strong? Which are weaker? The good news is, when you grow one bond—like communication in “Know”—the others often improve as well.
Join My Workshop Series
Want to dive deeper into the RAM in a safe, supportive setting?
I'm hosting free virtual workshops every Thursday night from 7:00 to 8:30 PM. The series includes six rotating sessions—one for each bond, plus an overview/discussion week. You can join at any time—no specific order is required.
Whether you're dating, engaged, married, or somewhere in between, these workshops will give you practical tools to grow your relationship with greater intention.
